The following is Lesson #3 from my Leave of Absence. Again, this is more of a personal post that I have shared in the District Newsletter. It is mostly geared toward clergy, but for those of you who struggle with Co-Dependency, this one is also for you.
Before my Leave, I
came to learn that my value as a person was tied up into what I do for a living.
People praised me when I did well and it
made me feel good about myself. People
admonished me when I did bad and it made me feel bad about myself. When people didn’t care about what I do, it
made me feel unimportant. My self-value
was tied to my profession. I sought the
value of me in others instead of seeking the value of me in how God defines it. I learned this over 23 years. It’s embarrassing. I have preached this many times to
others. God values me. That should be enough. It hasn’t always been.
Lesson #3: I don’t need to be needed.
I believe Co-Dependency
is a major issue among clergy and I was becoming a part of it. While I might still care about your opinion
(or not), it will no longer be tied to my value as a person. Truth is, a good portion of my congregation
doesn’t know much about my person beyond my job anyhow… somewhat because there
isn’t much more to know (another sad commentary on my personal life… see lesson
#1). But I also think it has to do with some
people wanting the idealistic, picturesque pastoral leader. Getting to know me as a person would ruin
that (I am not ideal nor picturesque). Nevertheless,
like it or not, I realize that, at worst, I fill a role for people. At best, I fill a relationship for people. However, my 23 years has taught me that it is
usually the role I fill and not the relationship. I am the preacher, teacher, prayer,
care-giver, administrator, etc; I am
rarely Joe Royer who is devoid of any professional pastoral role/label that has
expectations tied to it, realistic or unrealistic.
This is all the
more reason to avoid co-dependency. If
people don’t know Joe Royer, they certainly have no right to dictate my value
as a person. Therefore, your praises and
admonishments and apathy of me will be held in the strictest of contexts. If you think I am a fabulous person because I
give good sermons, you can think that. I
won’t. If you think I am a heartless
person because I don’t visit you enough, you can think that. I won’t.
If you think what I do makes me unimportant, that’s okay. I won’t think that way.
On the other hand,
consider that just because self-value is separate from job performance issues
doesn’t mean we shouldn’t deal with job performance issues. Just because your opinion might be that I am
not a good pastor doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to find ways to be a better
pastor. It just means that our
interaction and processes doesn’t affect my self-value. However, I can and should still pursue excellence.
I don’t know if
this lesson refers to a ‘boundary’ as opposed to just an attitude
adjustment. Either way, it has vastly
improved my self-care. The last lesson
of 4 will delve even further into my psyche as a clergy. I hope you join me.
Be At Peace,
Joe Royer (who happens to be a pastor)
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